Sometimes crappy things happen. At best, we deal with it and try to get on with our lives. For some of us though, it can send our brains spiraling down a rabbit hole of insults, accusations and self-flagellation. We’ve all had these chats with ourself. It goes from “Uh, this sucks…why me?” to “This is clearly an indicator that my life is a mess. I should be doing all these things which I have failed to do. I’m so x, y, z.”
As the emotions swell to a 9, it’s easy to hold up one event, which should only affect how happy we are right now, and let it cast its shadow across our overall contentment with life.
That feeling which should only reflect the now feels like it has always been, will always be, and is true, completely. It’s a lie. All of it.
I know because I fell for it this morning. Something crappy from several years ago came back to bite me. I thought I had solved this bit of foolishness, but it came at me before I’d had a single cup of coffee. Un-caffeinated and freaking out, I start attacking myself and my actions and the mean voice in my head starts telling me lies. It says, “I should have been more vigilant before. I should have been more adult.” Everything feels out of control and absurd. Great. Super productive.
I start feeling my stress in my body. My heart races. I feel exhausted. I’m agitated and can’t sit still. So my brain pushes a little more: “I’m not being vigilant enough now. I’m not a vigilant person. I’m bad at being an adult…blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit.” All my fears become highlighted and I feel every possible bad outcome, every feeling from every bad decision I haven’t even made yet, at once.
I don’t believe in signs. I know cognitively that not everything that’s happening to me now is a reflection of who I am today. A lot of it is growth from the seeds of who I was some years ago. I’ve had more than one conversation on my fire escape with a heart on fire. “I have to make all this change – everything in my life is turbulent,” they would say. “Slow down,” I would say back, “are you still the person that started this trouble? Or are you stronger now, more capable to dealing with some of life’s consequences?”
So I’m doing it. I’m actually going to listen to my own advice and I’m not going to believe my brain and I’m not going to let my mouth give weight to those thoughts. Instead, I’m going to try this exercise about looking on the bright side.
The exercise is simple. Something is making you low and you can’t do anything about that thing. It’s happening. It might continue to happen. So let’s change focus. Let’s take 5 minutes to, out loud, say something that I’m good at, something that makes me proud of myself. I’m going to think about a strength I have and I’m going to tell you about it and that’s going to make me feel better. I am going to exercise my happy muscles. This tip comes from Soul Pancake, a favorite when I need to laugh, cry, or just get weird with it. The series is called the Science of Happiness and yes, his shirt changes colors during the intro.
So here goes. I love that I continue to believe something better is always possible. I love that that lives inside me. I love that I carry it without having to work for it. And I love most of all when my enthusiasm gives someone energy. When someone who believes like me and is worn out from working hard towards that belief, bumps into me by chance and just as they slouch from exhaustion, I lean in. When they’ve hit a wall, I pick up the hammer for a minute and give it a couple of whacks. I love that I can get passionate about other people’s ideas when there was a time in my life I would have been envious or critical or any of the other emotions that distance you. Now, I’m going to take a few minutes to think and focus on this, I’m going to tell my brain a great story. If you want to try too, here’s a song to play while you think. Stop when it stops and not a minute before, even if you have to run the mental reel 10 times.
Ok. I feel better. I hope you do too!